Friday, April 18, 2008

Korbo, Lorbo, Jeetbo Re!

If you happened to miss the first IPL match, I hope your stay under the largest rock on the planet was worth it. But there's no need to sweat it if it wasn't. Because what you missed can be summarised, metaphorically, by this depiction of absolute carnage:

And also this:

The aggressors, in this case, were none other than the Kolkata Knight Riders.

Now, even though the Bangalore Royal Challengers are my co-favourites in the IPL, I decided to pull for my other co-favourites, the Knight Riders, for this match. This is where things started to go horribly wrong for the Royal Challengers. Because you may have all the hot American cheerleaders on your side, but nothing beats the advantage offered by my flagitious telepathy. Of course, McCullum's 158 n.o. of 73 balls didn't really hurt our cause either.

As much as it pained me to see the Royal Challengers get drubbed in such brutal fashion, the ecstasy of watching a public rogering of Dr(?).Vijay Mallya was just something else.

So, whatcha gonna do Dr.Mallya? Whatcha gonna do, when Rider-mania runs wild on YOU?

Monday, April 14, 2008

R. Kelly's Trapped In The Closet. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Very rarely, in life, do you come across works of art so captivating, that they compel you to get down on your knees and thank the Man Upstairs for blessing you with the privilege of being witness to such greatness.

I experienced one such surreal moment when I had the pleasure of watching R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet". For those of you who've been unfortunate enough to lead a life without knowledge of R. Kelly's "hip-hopera", your misfortune ends today.

"Trapped In The Closet" is a 22-part story-- nay, a 22-part epic that transcends all limits that mere mortals, such as us, have defined to understand musical genius. You truly need to watch it in order to fathom its brilliance.

Chapters 1-5:

To help you understand the sheer awesomeness of it all, here's an excerpt from chapter 4 of this masterpiece:

I kissed her and then we went to the room
Then I turned some music on
Apologized one more time
Then went down and start gettin it on
And she started bitin her lip
Grabbing me and makin noise
Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin
It's all yours
I said I love you
And she said I love ya, too
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said baby go deeper please
And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin
We keep turnin and turnin
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And starts screamin my name
Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain
And she said please no don't stop
And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax
And I said cool
Just let go of my leg
She says you're the perfect lover
I said I can't go no futher
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber...

The word, ladies and gentlemen, is LEGENDARY.

The narrator here is a character named Sylvester (played by R. Kelly). The events described in the above passage occur immediately after Sylvester accuses his wife, Gwendolyn, of infidelity. Gwendolyn manages to convince him otherwise and that's when they start "gettin it on". As is clear from the following lines, Sylvester knows how to satisfy his woman, despite a rather severe leg cramp and the imminent danger of "busting a vessel in his brain". My favourite part, however, is when his wife cries out, "Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax." To which he curtly replies, "Cool. Climax. Just let go of my leg." Now that, dear friends, is a real man. A selfless lover, who is in fact "cool" with his wife's orgasm and an assertive husband, who dictates exactly which parts of his anatomy are available to his wife for grasping. And after we've all been educated about Sylvester's proficiency in love making, R. Kelly throws in a twist that leaves all of us wondering what happens in chapter 5. Sylvester, much to the viewer's surprise, finds a used condom in his bed.

The flair in the execution of these tortuous plot-lines is a testament to R. Kelly's mastery in the art of storytelling.

R. Kelly. Please. Take a bow.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Bow before me, Grammar Nazis!

It has just come to my attention that the word 'its', when used as a possessive pronoun, isn't supposed to have an apostrophe. I'm not quite sure if any such grammatical transgressions have come to be on this blog but in case they have, let it be a lesson to all:

Sometimes, just sometimes, even I make mistakes.

And why do I choose to write about it merely hours before an effing internal?
Because I can.