Sunday, February 10, 2008

Alternate endings to the last Harry Potter book

Greetings, devoted readers. It's been too long.

So what have I been upto lately? Not blogging, that's for sure. But that can mostly be attributed to the long, not-so-awesome hours being spent in college these days. And since the sem has just begun, I urge you all to brace yourselves for several such periods of dormancy.

No! Stop! Don't reach for those knives just yet! Suicide is never the answer.

As mind-numbingly boring as college can be, it can sometimes act as a breeding ground for some great blogging ideas. Just the other day, a friend and I were discussing the final Harry Potter book in class. A one-off incident, really. Normally, in class, I indulge in much more masculine activities, like sleeping. Anyway, he brought up the ending and how everyone he knows really liked it. I, however, will risk getting lynched by a Potter-crazy mob and admit that I wasn't really impressed by the way J.K.Rowling decided to end things.

Personally, my favourite character was Lord Voldemort. He seemed like a badass and God knows how much I appreciate badass-ness. To have Voldemort killed by his own rebounded curse, in my opinion, is just a tad better than to see him succumb to a really bad case of food poisoning. So, I decided to put my super-power of blogging to good use and come up with some alternate endings which, had they been used in place of the actual confrontation between Harry and Voldemort, would've made the book a lot more enjoyable to me.

So, here they are:

1. Voldemort shuts Harry the hell up, once and for all, by roundhouse kicking him, Chuck Norris style. He then brings Dumbledore back to life only to kill him again with an equally devastating roundhouse kick.

2. Voldemort gets pissed off at Harry for always coming at him with an insultingly ineffective disarming spell and decides to show him how it's really done by blasting Harry's ass to smithereens using an earth-shattering Hadouken attack.

3. Harry decides to join forces with Voldemort. They seal the deal by performing the Fusion Dance and become Harry-mort: 50% Harry, 50% Voldemort and 100% awesome. They then kill anyone who doesn't think Dragonball Z is pure awesomeness. They also torture and kill Bellatrix Lestrange for being the most unnecessarily obnoxious character in the series.

4. If Voldemort's death was inevitable, then I would've liked to see him go in this fashion:
Voldemort and Harry have a nail-bitingly close duel in which Voldemort seems to have the edge before Hermione creeps up behind him and deals out a vicious low blow. Harry then finishes Voldemort off with a Stone-Cold Stunner, opens a can of beer and says, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

Keep in mind that all of the suggested endings are enjoyed most in the absence of the torturous epilogue. Anyone who procreates and names his son Albus Severus deserves to die a most painful death.

Also, please note: SPOILER ALERT.

You may now discuss.


Soundarya said...

Very very interesting post there!
I liked the Hermoine coming to Harry's rescue the best. Girl power!!! Yeah!

Akaash said...

Thanks. I too quite like that bit. Something very appealing about a premise with villains receiving Irish curses.

Ramya Rajan said...

I like all your posts, but this one is my favourite. Neato!
Pat yourself on the back!!

Akaash said...

Dhanyawaad :)

Akaash said...

Dhanyawaad :)